New Blog!

For the time being, Straight Girl Slumming It remains on hiatus. But in the meantime, I've started a new blog about running. It won't be as funny, and I'm writing it more for me than for you (sorry), but it's out there if you're interested!

effieruns.blogspot.com

Best-Of Straight Girl Slumming It

Clearly I've neglected this blog for far too long. I suppose it's time to officially pull the plug. For my last entry, I've decided to list some of my favorite blog entries. Perhaps someone stumbling upon this blog for the first time (what's up Facebook friends!) will appreciate the Reader's Digest version. Enjoy!

Oops, I'm a Slut

What leaving sounds like

Five Years of Shit

On Turkeys and Babies

Dear Diary

The Final Countdown

It's only logical

The NYC Subway Story

So there we are on the subway in New York City, me & Aunt Martha. It was only around 7pm, but it felt late because we were probably stuffed with pizza and bialys and in a time warp from going to a Broadway show in the middle of the day. We were both zoned out as we whooshed along underground.

I remember that I was staring at the sign above the subway doors that read "do not block doors" with a stick person shown stuck between the subway doors. I was fascinated by the sign because it reminded me of the gypsy girl in Paris that tried to blatantly steal Melissa's wallet -- and by blatantly I mean she reached her little gypsy arm into Melissa's purse and rummaged around in there as we boarded the Metro. After Melissa gave her a well deserved right hook, the gypsy girl squared off in the open doorway and stood there like a champ while the doors slammed her tiny little thieving body over and over again, until finally she smirked a final good-bye and stepped backwards onto the Metro platform as the train and its awe-struck gaping-mouthed American passengers rolled away into the Null Set. (Shout out to my Null Set peeps!)

But this story isn't about my love/hate relationship with creepy (yet fascinating!) gypsy girls, but about an entirely less fascinating, yet thoroughly hilarious mishap on the above mentioned NYC subway.

So. There I was, studying the "do not block doors" sign on the subway. Aunt Martha was sitting next to me, probably singing "I want to be a ProduCER!" in her head, or contemplating the future of the dewey decimal system, when a voice in the background finally registered in my gypsy-infested head. They were announcing our stop! The next 3 seconds were the longest 3 seconds of my life, and I swear it happened in slow motion. I was smart enough to say "This is our stop!" but not quick enough to move. Aunt Martha, on the other hand, WAS quick enough, and right out the doors she went. I came lumbering up behind her, just as the subway doors were shutting. Completely forgetting about the warning to "not block doors", I casually stuck my hand in the vice of the subway doors, thinking they would magically reopen like they were the forgiving elevator doors of a luxury hotel. No such luck. So then I tried prying them open. I'm talking superhero-pose, double-palm-grip, biceps-burning prying them open. But alas, I was no match for the doors, so I gave up and let the doors slam. While all of this grunting and prying is going on inside the train, Aunt Martha is standing 1 foot away on the platform, looking in at me through the glass doors, head slightly cocked as if she doesn't understand what I'm doing inside the train, when clearly I should be outside the train with her. The expression on my face, she tells me later through hysterical fits of laughter, is one of sheer disbelief coupled with fear and confusion. We hold these gazes at each other until the train starts rolling away, at which point I see the humor in the situation and give her a light-hearted wave and a shrug.

I thought the worst was over, until I turned around and realized there were about 20 stone-faced New Yorkers in the subway car who could not have missed that display of desperation. Now I had to sit quietly amongst them and feign nonchalance until the next stop. Then through the magic of cell phones and the tourist friendly grid layout of the city, Aunt Martha and I reconnected above ground and gleefully peed our pants all the way to the hotel room, and we're still laughing about it to this day.

I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much

Sorry for the delay folks. Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still haven't received my paycheck and he took my stapler and he never brought it back and then they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it...

The time has come, America...

...for the February calendar picture.

They might throw us both out of the country

This coming March marks the 7th anniversary of my husband's entrance into the United States. While he's always been proud to call himself a Canadian, the time has finally come when he has decided to become a US Citizen. The process, while lengthy, is not actually difficult. They ask 10 questions, of which only 6 need to be answered correctly, and all of these are picked from a bank of 100 questions, which are publicly posted on their website, complete with corresponding answers. Pretty easy, right?

Upon learning this information, the Lisa Simpson part of my personality decided that she IMMEDIATELY needed to take this test and be graded on it. She got 65 right out of 100.

When you consider that I never studied for this quiz, and didn't peek at the questions ahead of time, then 65% isn't that bad. But, when you realize that I've lived in this country for 31 years and probably could have scored 100% if I took the quiz in 8th grade, then yeah, I should probably make sure I carry my birth certificate around with me.

Here are some of the pitfalls that hup & I fell into while quizzing each other:

Question: What is the supreme law of the land?
Hup's answer: Survival of the fittest!
Correct answer: The Constitution

Question: What one thing is Ben Franklin famous for?
My answer: Inventing the bifocal!
Correct possible answers: U.S. diplomat; oldest member of the Constitutional Convention; first Postmaster General of the United States; writer of “Poor Richard’s Almanac”; started the first free libraries

Question: What do we call the first ten amendments to the Constitution?
Hup's answer: The Ten Commandments
Correct answer: The Bill of Rights

Question: What did the Declaration of Independence do?
My answer: Freed the slaves
Correct answer: Declared our independence from Great Britain

Question: Name one branch or part of the government.
Hup's answer: The CIA
Correct possible answers: Congress, legislative, executive, judicial, the President, the courts

Question: The idea of government is in the first 3 words of the Constitution. What are these words?
My answer: E Pluribus Unum
Correct answer: We the People

Question: Name one of your state's US Senators.
Hup's answer: "Demon"
Me: "Demon?"
Hup: "Devil! Deval. What's he? State Representative? Lord of the Land? What is he? Mayor?"

I think we both have some studying to do.