Thursday, June 26, 2008

When you're sliding into home, and your pants are full of foam....

I joined my company's softball team. The first practice is tonight, so maybe I should have waited until tomorrow to post this (or not post it, and never have mentioned it in the first place.) So far, it's already shaping up to be quite an embarrassment. Tell me if you see any foreshadowing in any of these scenarios leading up to tonight's practice:

The Initial Invite
Co-worker Brad: Are you going to join our softball team this summer?
Me: We have a softball team?
Brad: Yes, do you want to play?
Me: hahahahaha... NO
Brad: Why not?
Me: Ummm, because I'm fat?
Brad: What does that have to do with anything?
Me: Well, let's see... there's public humiliation, there's the fact that I'm totally out of shape...
Brad: In case you haven't noticed, we're a bunch of engineers. None of us are in shape.
Me: Well, hmmm, maybe. I'll think about it.

A Friendly Game of Catch
I decided to play catch with hup to see if I could at least catch and throw a softball. It's been 16 years since my freshman year of high school when I last played. God, I'm old. That's almost half my life ago. Anyway, I discovered three things during our game of catch. The first is that I can only throw about half the distance I used to be able to throw. The second is that I can catch pretty well. And the third is that there is no way -- no how, no sir, absolutely positively NO CHANCE IN HELL -- that I will ever jump to catch a ball. The few times I tried, my multi-layer of boobs and rolls creates a sort of venus fly trap when I'm mid-air, and when I come crashing down, any loose fabric that I'm wearing gets caught in the trap, with the end result being my shirt totally shoved up under my boobs and my bare belly hanging out in all it's glory. So it looks like I might be wogging after a lot of balls in the outfield, like that's any less embarrassing.

Speaking of wogging
My mom and I decided to start walking/jogging/running around the block in the mornings when I don't go to my severely overpriced personal training-style gym that I joined last month. I've burned more calories kicking myself about joining than I have by actually going (but hey, whatever works!) Anyway, today was our first day of our soon-to-be new morning routine, so we met outside at 6am and walked/jogged for 1.6 miles. All of the familiar feelings of my running days came back to me... the sweet scent of morning dew, the fresh air filling up my lungs, the good pain I felt in my legs, the urgent need to poop on the side of the road. I went just over 1 mile before I had to drop trou in the woods behind my old elementary school. Ahhh, just like the good old days! Now if I can just make it through 7 innings without an incident, I should be fine. Otherwise, I'll have to quit this job too.