Monday, August 20, 2007

Ode to Lauren

In this world, bad things happen to good people. This can be witnessed first hand at Hregetia Persopiter on any given day, but specifically when Those In Charge get back from vacation. What happens on these so-called vacations that people with more money seem to have an endless supply of days for? Do they come back well rested and refreshed looking for someone's life to ruin? Or.. do they plan something rotten, and then take a week off to muster up the courage so they can do it first thing on Monday morning, when we're least expecting it?

Sorry to the all the new readers from Red's blog who were hoping for another funny entry. This isn't a funny one, and unless you're one of the 3 people who I work with that read this blog, you probably won't even know what I'm talking about. Sometimes you just get really pissed and want to shout to the (blogging) world that an injustice has occured and damn if you won't let it go unnoticed.

So. Lauren is a fantastically funny friend of mine who was unfortunately laid off from her job today. Her take on the lay-off was that people with college degrees don't get laid off; factory workers get laid off. I disagree. I think that the lay-off is corporate America's greatest achievement. It's their way of saying, "You're not doing anything wrong but we're deciding to let you go because we found some asshole who will do their job PLUS your job for free." In this case I'm the asshole. In a way, I sort of feel guilty. If I weren't such a pushover striving to be an overachiever maybe they would have felt that they couldn't afford to lose her. I shouldn't liken the Lemonade Stand to corporate America either; it's more like Nazi Germany and I feel like a Jewish Nazi torn between right & wrong, good & evil, the smokers & the non. Sieg Heil!

And now... a top ten list for why I love LORON:
1. She shoots from the hip & tells it like it is. I especially like when she puts me in my place when I complain too much. She has no sympathy for me, and when I stress out, she gives me the slap in the face that I need.
2. Speaking of slapping, she lets me bend her over and slap her ass when we're out drinking. Seriously Lauren, don't let my track record of stalking the Indigo Girls make you nervous. I'm not gay, even though all the dykes wish I were.
3. She uses the word "vagina" more than anyone I've ever met. (I'm still not gay.)
4. She turns Puerto Rican when she's forced to answer allegations that are really too stupid to even respond to. But, if you're gonna respond, I guess angry Puerto Rican is the way to go.
5. She has a 6th sense when it comes to sensing Mrs. Dipillo.
6. She can spontaneously burst into showtunes complete with dramatic hand gestures. Even my mom would love her for this one.
7. Her car is named Karen and Karen is the toughest bitch in Lowell. Don't fuck with Karen. She even has a nice front crack. (STILL not gay! Although I can't say the same for Margo, my cargo-hauling turbo hottie. She wishes she were diesel.)
8. She has the best ever defense for when people yell mean things out of car windows. What's up Patty?!
9. She can talk her way out of a drunken car wreck and look like the innocent victim.
10. She cannot talk her way out of a parking garage, but she CAN turn it into the funniest f'in email ever. Without her permission, I'm posting it here so you can experience LORON for yourself.

so after I played poor drunk me for an hour because Krystals 20 something friends at the Dub weigh 364 pounds less than me, Cheryl was nice enough to give me a ride home, leaving Karen at the parking garage. When she was even nice to drive me back to my car in the morning I hopped in and realized I hadnt brought my wallet, to which she gave me $2.00 and we hoped for the best. Upon arrival at the parking garage I got in Karen and attempted to cruise on out but when the gate wouldnt open I backed out and tried the next one to the left. FUCK I cant get out of that one either. Parking attendant man comes over and askes where my ticket is. I inform him that I do not have one to which he is astonished. He askes me to pull over and step insideof the office. Parking attendant man and woman begin to ask questions, I inform them that I have no wallet or ID just this simple $2.00 that my friend Cheryl Casey has allowed me to borrow to plan my escape from this dungeon, thismakes them angry. They ask me again if I have ID and I do not. Meter Maid Loreta is paged, she again asks me a slew of quiestions and then desides that the vodka reeking from my poors requires police assistance. Lowell Police are called. Upon the arrival of the police, they ask me wheremy identification is, I respond by saying .....46 Park st. Ohhhhh Lowell police are not amused. They run my plates, and yes the car does belong to a Lauren A. Heeley, so they ask, how do weknow this is you maam, I have just puton my cunty pants as they are tying up my 45 minutesleft of sleep.....I decide it is agood idea to shout....WELL IVEBEEN ARRESTED SO CLEARLY YOU HAVE MY MUG SHOT, CHECK ITOUT YOU EVEN HAVE PICTURES OF MY BODY ART AND i CAN SHOW YOU THAT AS WELL....Ohhhh Lowell police is furious, as he is telling me that this is not a joke, Allison Carrol who I tapped danced with to "New York New York" circa 1995 care of Demetra School Of Dance walks in and says HEY LAUREN......I shout "SHE SAID MY NAME I DIDNT ASK HER TOO, I DIDNT EVEN SEE HER WALKING IN"........this does not work, I am asked to get my registration from the vehicle and I do, no im stompingmy feet as I walk.......they let me go and told me they would send me a fine and Ill pay it but clearly the parking agarage attentand who reeks of WD40 being at my house till 3:30 am doesnothing for me.....I will NEVER give a carney ass tilt a whirl running greasy pete my number again, he was no help!!!

We love you & we'll miss you Lauren!