Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Oops, I'm a slut.

I thought I'd kick off my blog with one of my favorite stories. Throughout my college years, I worked at JP Licks, an ice cream shop in Coolidge Corner. During the frigid winter months, there was barely enough work to keep one person busy, so I was often there working alone. If someone had told me when I was 12 that I'd be spending 8 hours a day alone in an ice cream shop, I would have peed my pants with glee, but somehow it just wasn't that exciting when it came to be. Anyway, that's not the story. The story is that one cold, lonely day, I was working by myself. A couple came in and ordered a frappe. We had this metal cup of water that we used to clean the frappe machine. In my haste to clean the frappe machine and deliver this frappe to them in a timely manner, I accidentally knocked over the metal cup that was holding the grungy frappe water. They were the only two people in the store, and clearly all eyes were on me at this point. Already embarrassed by making a mess, I tried to make light of the situation by making a little joke. Now, I don't know if it was being alone in the ice cream shop all day, or if it was just my general social awkwardness, but something got screwed up between my brain and my lips. I was thinking of saying "I'm a slob" or "I'm such a clutz" since both were appropriate, but what came out was, "I'm such a slut." The couple looked at me blankfaced and I stood there staring back like a deer in headlights, wondering if I really just told this couple that I was slut, completely out of context. The next thing out of my mouth wasn't supposed to be funny, but now that I look back, I think this part's funny too. The next thing I said to them was, "$3.95 please." Not only am I a slut, but apparantly I'm a cheap slut too.

5 Comments:

At October 26, 2005 at 12:26 AM, Blogger David Wiley said...

That has gotta be one of the funniest stories I've ever read. It was absolutely hillarious. Keep writing.

 
At October 26, 2005 at 2:59 PM, Blogger Joe said...

That's a great story! I remember when we all raided the store at night and got some free ice cream!

You can check out my blog: http://thefluxcapacitor.blogspot.com/

 
At October 26, 2005 at 3:02 PM, Blogger Melissa said...

Yay! I love Licks stories. In celebration, I offer the now-famous Lucas poem:

His name was Lucas and he worked in Brookline
in the comic book store next to the ice-cream shop.
He was only 26 but he was already going bald.
Sometimes he wore a baseball cap to cover up the sparseness
but it didn’t fool anybody.
There was a college girl with eyebrow rings who liked him
because he was fat and shameless and openly raunchy.
His girlfriend was a 36-year-old stripper who looked like a ferret.
They made the most repulsive pair.
She gave him a tacky locket on their last anniversary
engraved with “Love Conquers All.”
Lucas would show the locket to the girl from the ice-cream shop
and make lascivious comments.
He didn’t even bother with flattery or any of the normal ways people flirted
He was already ugly, corpulent and bald –
Where else did he have to go but up?
He didn’t know why the ice cream girl liked him
And she didn’t know either, but for her it was partly
morbid curiosity about what such a slob did with his pathetic life.
Lucas reminded her of the guy whose apartment she could see into
when she was on the roof of her building –
He would watch TV alone for hours at night, wearing hideous boxer shorts.
And she would stand on the roof with her friends,
smoking cigarettes,
and try to figure out where his life must have gone wrong.

 
At October 26, 2005 at 8:51 PM, Blogger Red said...

You don't know me, but that's freakin' hysterical!

 
At November 1, 2005 at 8:32 AM, Anonymous Emily said...

This is my favorite story! You should have saved it- it doesn't get funnier than this.

 

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