Thursday, June 28, 2007

On Turkeys and Babies

I was talking to my friend Jmaie Dnrunig (real name has been google-proofed!), who has one of those names where you say the full first & last name every time you talk about her. (To Jaime: Relax, I'm not really talking about you. I can hear you now: "What the hell does that mean?") But you know, you just have some friends where the full name just comes out as if it were one word. I usually do it for alliterative names, like MikeMarshall the carpet guy, or MollyMitchell my camp friend. I really even say things like, "Hi MikeMarshall, how are you?" or "Oh my god, MollyMitchell, I love those shoes." (Bad example, I would never comment on someone's shoes.) It sounds normal until I picture hearing my own name being used as a full name in a sentence. For the folks at home, try it now with your own name. Weird, right?

ANYWAY.... I was talking to my friend Jmaie Dnrunig and I was telling her that everyone has such cute kids, hers included, and that I was such an ugly baby when I was little. She didn't believe me, so I said fuck it, I'll blog about it! My mom kept a 5x7 baby picture of me on her fridge a few years ago, and one of her good friends who has known us forever looked at the picture and said in a whisper, "Oh god, whose baby is this? It's so ugly!" And my mom just laughed and laughed and pointed at me.

This wasn't the exact picture that was on the fridge, but it was from the same series at least.

I'm the one on the left that looks like:
a) a drunk old man
b) a treasure troll
c) a raisin with a toupee
d) I'm open to your ideas on this one

Notice how I'm holding myself up with a fist and my double chin. Sometimes I wonder if this is what I look like when I sit at my desk for too long.

This next picture is from a bit later, but clearly I had not outgrown my ugly phase.

Now I think I look more like Dana Carvey than a treasure troll or a raisin, but the resemblance is still there. As I got older, I got a little bit cuter but a lot more dorky. I never really noticed how dorky I was because I was too focused on the fact that my sister looked like a 50 year old lesbian accountant in the 2nd grade.

And eventually, I ended up looking like this:

What a turkey! Speaking of turkeys, when I was in 9th grade, JmaieDrunig gave me the nickname "Turk" which I had embroidered on the arm of my softball sweatshirt. The nickname came from a story I wrote in elementary school that was published in the school newspaper, called "What I'd do if I were a turkey." And whaddya know, here it is:


At June 29, 2007 at 9:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

50 year old lesbian accountant


At June 29, 2007 at 9:30 AM, Anonymous Jane said...

Oops, I didn't mean to click anonymous.

Effie, you are too damn funny.

And you're right - JaimeDurning does have one of those names.

At June 29, 2007 at 11:16 AM, Anonymous The Giant Sister said...

Hey!! Of all things to comment on in that post, the sister gets it? not fair! :-)

At June 29, 2007 at 3:15 PM, Blogger Effie said...

the giant sister! hahahahaha

At July 2, 2007 at 12:53 PM, Blogger Shesabigstar said...

I partly blame your Mother...she should have brushed your hair more often...that didn't help the look!!

You are hysterical...I wish you'd post more often!

At July 2, 2007 at 4:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Laughing hysterically in the office.

Chris & Emily

At July 2, 2007 at 4:21 PM, Anonymous emily said...

Beth! I am dying! This is the funniest entry yet. The best part is that none of your comments or stories or pictures are exaggerations. I was there. You were THAT dorky. And Kate was both fashion illiterate and tall. Lethal, really.

At July 2, 2007 at 5:00 PM, Blogger Melissa said...

Hahahahaha I thought maybe you blew your load on the last one, but NO, it only gets better! Love it.

At July 3, 2007 at 11:35 AM, Anonymous cupcake said...

oh my gosh that is awesome. I am still laughing! HA!

At July 10, 2007 at 12:23 AM, Blogger Red said...

Your blog makes me literally die laughing. Okay, not literally. I'm still alive.

At July 10, 2007 at 3:47 AM, Anonymous Jenn said...

I nearly spewed my drink at lesbian accountant. ;-) Thats the hottest thing I've read all day.

At August 15, 2007 at 10:49 AM, Anonymous nancypearlwannabe said...

I LOVE the turkey story! Especially the part where you scream in your would-be killers face to teach them a lesson. Classic.

At August 16, 2007 at 9:19 PM, Blogger Shut My Mouth said...

Ohmyfuckinggod - this is unbelieveably hillarious! I'm hooked!


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