Binge & Purge

On Thursday night, I've done something I've never done before. I binged & purged. Sure, I binge all the time, but the purging was something new. Before you get all afterschool-special on me, let me explain. I purged my CLOSETS. (Trust me, I've tried sticking a toothbrush down my throat before and it just doesn't work. Damn those lucky bulimics!)

It all started at 4:00. My friend Sarah met me after work. We drove to Suppa's sub shop in the University ghetto of Lowell, and ordered a large Steak Stick. A Steak Stick is steak & cheese wrapped in pizza dough and then deep fried. Just when you thought it couldn't be any more fattening, they throw in a side of ranch dressing too. Yum. While our steak stick was in the deep fryer, we went next door to the convenience store and bought 5 (FIVE) candy bars. Sarah ate one while our Steak Stick was still being fried in hot lard. It was one of those moments that you look back on and say, "What was I thinking?" or "God, no wonder I was so fat." or "Yep, that was definitely the best night of my life."

We drove to my house, ate our Steak Stick, which went down way too fast. They gave us 4 sets of silverware, but we cut that bad boy in half and we were both done within minutes. I really need to stop bragging about how disgusting we are and start talking about the purge.

Let me tell you a little more about Sarah. She loves fashion reality shows, like "What Not to Wear" and "How Do I Look?" etc. She is also a very organized, clutter-free person. So, what better person to help me organize my closet? We started with my dresser. She held up items and we would both decide whether to keep, donate, or throw away (very "Clean Sweep" esque, no?). Despite my initial fears, I was actually very willing to get rid of a lot of stuff. I guess when someone else sees the shit that you keep piled in your drawers, it kinda puts it into perspective. The first thing to go was a pair of cotton gym shorts that I think I bought in high school. They were stained with paint and didn't fit anyway. Sarah held them up with a look like, "Why the hell would you have these?" and I answered, "What if I need to paint? And it's hot out? And I'm 20 pounds lighter?" That was pretty much how the whole event played out. Here are some highlights:

Me, commenting on a loud tie-dyed t-shirt: "What if I need to go to a halloween party as a hippie?"
Me, commenting on a chef's coat that I wore in cooking class in college: "What if I need to go to a halloween party as a chef?"
Me, commenting on a black pleather mini skirt: "What if I need to go to a halloween party as a biker slut?"
Sarah: "Who are you that you're going to all of these halloween parties?!?!"

I tried to defend a t-shirt with the backdrop of an American Flag, and a silouette Team Hoyt (a father who pushes his son in a wheelchair in marathons), with "Let's Roll!" proudly scripted on it by saying that that's the shirt I wear when I go rollerblading. Somehow that had the opposite effect and it went straight into the throwaway pile.

There were some items that Sarah approved of. Oddly enough, one was a sweater that my sister bought for me, and the other was a dress that my husband bought for me. So I now have a few rules that I've been instructed to follow. #1 - I'm not allowed to shop at Kohl's anymore. #2 - I'm not allowed to buy 5 pairs of frumpy jeans when I really should be buying 1 pair that looks good. This sort of clashes with MY #1 rule, which is to not spend more than $20 on any one single item, but I think the lesson learned last night is that I'm cheap and have no style, so maybe it's time to get rid of my rules.

In total, I'm donating 5 bags of clothes, and throwing away 2.