A Whale of a Job

Today was my first day at my new job. For anyone who didn't get the first hand minute-by-minute update for the past 3 weeks, it goes a little something like this: I had a major mental breakdown at work, turned in my keys and my cell phone with no warning at 11am on a Friday, proceeded to have an even bigger emotional breakdown for the rest of the day Friday, had two lovely weeks off, got a better job with better pay for a better company, and just started there today.

Even though this job pays a lot more than my old position, and even though they pay 100% of medical benefits, and even though I got to shop online for company-logo-embroidered clothing today (to the tune of $300!), and even though there's a coke machine at the office where I can buy a 20 oz. diet coke for $1... Even though all of that good stuff is happening, I am going to tell you, dear blog friends, why today just may have been one of the most embarrassing days of my life.

Let's backtrack to yesterday. I joined Weight Watchers for the 871st time, but this was the first time I've joined in about 2 years. That means that this time I mean it. I did everything a newbie WW'er does: I went to the grocery store and bought yogurt, turkey, whole wheat bread, and enough fruits & vegetables to make you shit for a week! I also actually tracked my water consumption on the little paper journal and wrote down my goals for the week. Yep, this will last until about 11am tomorrow when I'll have the casual afterthought of, "Hrmm.. I wonder how many points were in that sausage egg & cheese croissant from Dunkin Donuts?" (Answer: 18, and worth it). So today was my first full day on the program, and I thought it was fitting that it was also my first day at work. I wanted to set the tone and get into a good routine from the get go. I started my day with oatmeal and an apple and some water: 4 points. Then at 11:30am I had a turkey sandwich on organic flax seed bread with 1 tsp. of mayo: 6 points. Then by 2pm, I was over my head in new hire paperwork and Policies & Procedures Manuals and starving to death with only an apple to save me: 1 point. None of this is embarrassing or interesting, except that eating an apple on an empty stomach is NOT what you should do on your first day at a new job, but I feel like I've blogged about that topic quite enough.

So. It was time to order clothes. I immediately had a moment of panic that no clothes would fit me, but instead of playing it cool, I blurt out, "Oh my god I'm so fat I bet nothing will fit me!" Luckily, the other GM who is here training me for 1.5 days has already become one of my girls and puts me at ease that something will fit. "If we have to, we'll just order you men's clothes." Thanks, now I feel so much better about myself. She decides that the best thing to do would be to MEASURE ME. Seriously? Can this get any worse? Yes, yes it can. She asks the other co-worker (a full-time firefighter, of course not another fat lady) if he has a measuring tape. While he goes to his truck, I'm already picturing that somehow I'll have to end up at the zoo since that's the only facility that will accomodate someone of my size for proper measuring, and then I'll end up being the only employee on-site without company logo clothing, or I'll have to iron on a company logo patch to a 4X cotton t-shirt. Holy fuck-- if there wasn't free medical insurance and $1 diet cokes across the hall, I'd just quit out of sheer embarrassment! Mr. Firefighter comes back but doesn't have a measuring tape. But what he does have might as well have been a crowbar to the skull. He brought his heavy duty truck straps so we could wrap those around me and then just use a ruler to measure the length. If you haven't quite grasped how degrading this moment was, here's a visual aide:









The final blow was that I had to pay like an extra $5 per item because of all the superfluous X's. With every embarrassing moment comes a lesson: I have got to stick fruit & veggies and turkey sandwiches.